Accept something that you cannot change, and you will feel better

Oh, Jeez. Where should I start?

Just from what has (not) happened this week....

The solenoid-valves and their vacuum tubing system. Can't fix it. Don't have enough time to, either.

Student coming tomorrow: He won't be able to work on the new high-temperature probe. It won't be ready in 4 weeks' time.

Master's student project: not going well. Cannot find the right redox couple. Don't have enough time to look into the problem. His new Faraday cage is almost ready, but the electrometer has not been ordered. Another delay.

Project money. Don't have the time to check and report changes.

Payment to a company in England. Haven't got around to checking if the payment has been made.

Project proposal. Needs to be done by next Tuesday. Thus need to be sent to everyone by Friday. This! I can do.

Time to drop everything else for the next 4 days.

By accepting something that I cannot change... does this mean I ought to give it up or do it later? I cannot give up on any of these that I have listed above. There are many more things I can add on the list if I include my private life side of "somethings." For one thing, I forgot that my husband's birthday is coming up. For the first time since we met, I forgot his birthday. I know I need to prepare my trip to see my parents, in what! less than 3 weeks. Not to mention the kids' school festival that I am in charge of. There are too many things and too little time. I have said this many times before, but this year, it's different. I simply have too many things to do.  I think this is the first time that working hard is not enough. Yes, there were times in my life that I couldn't get "everything" done. But at the same time, I knew that I could've done more if I had tried harder. This time, it's not the same. I am doing my best and all I can and it's just not enough. I can't. I don't have enough time.

I suppose this is the "something" I need to accept. I cannot do "everything."

Do I feel better? Umm, No.

But this realization forces me to make a priority list.

1. EU Project
2. Master's + Magnetometer (these two must be done in parallel)
3. DD's school festival preparation
4. Trip prep/National project, etc. etc.

So let's get them done. One by one.

Good luck is the result of good planning

This is wrong. There is a "chance" ingredient in the success obtained via "luck." So, no. The statement is wrong. But obviously, the author's intention was to use "good luck" to describe "success" and/or "fortune." I have also seen an idiom T-shirt recently worn by an innocent, yet misguided wearer that said "Winning is a habit. Success is a choice." Now that's a load of crap. Success may be the fruit of consecutive good choices re-enforced by determination, but certainly not one choice.

Tonight's point is: I am feeling the consequence of poor planning that is leading me away from any and all foreseeable success in the past few weeks.

In fact, it's worse than that. I see myself and those closely around me (at work) heading toward a big hole of failure.

I wan to jump off this train.

There, I said it.

I cannot stop the train. I don't know how to change the course without derailing.

Then which "luck" in its pure or in a metaphoric sense can I hope to obtain now? A pure luck will certainly come in handy. All of my experimental apparatus start working as of this week. But that's very unrealistic. Certainly it contradicts all what we know about "success." "Success" is the result of good planning. See above.

 Help from allies (colleagues)? Oh My. I have always been helped more than I have helped the others. Is it time to repeat? I am afraid so. But I need to propose my service in return. What am I good at?  Now I am whining. Time to start planning. Start choosing. I just asked all essential questions in this present paragraph. I need to get help. Know which help and from whom. and know what I can offer in return. The answers are there (in my head) and are clear.

Yes, I can change the course, I can fix the train, I can hook my wagons to another locomotive.

With this being said, I can go back to sleeping peacefully. Blogger is my therapy and in the comfort of knowing that I am the only reader (apart from a few random passers-by) I can become my own listening ears and a therapist. Good night.

Your life will be happy and peaceful

Last Spring, I dreamed that I will die on Feb 16th 2014. In my dream I heard myself announce, matter-of-factly, that "and so this is how I died on the February 16th, 2014." To be perfectly honest, I don't remember if it is Feb 14th or the 16th that I am supposed to, well, die. Nor do I remember "how" exactly I am supposed to leave this life. No matter.

While I have no good reason to believe that this is going to happen and I honestly don't (believe), for the most part, the thought of my own death happening in less than a year has stayed with me for the past 10 months and affected my behavior to a certain degree. For one thing, I started to count number of minutes left 'til my supposedly imminent death. It has also compelled me to accomplish certain long-standing goals, such as getting my act together and obtaining my "Habilitation" degree last summer. I have also be telling my kids how much I love them more often than before. 

On the other hand, my presumed death has made me procrastinate on other less exciting duties under the pretext that "I may not be here (Earth) by same time next year." Tonight is no exception. I really need to be finishing a report on a project. It is not a critical situation. If I fail to provide this in the next couple of days, the rest of the committee members can easily deliver their decision on the project without my input.I do not know if my behavior has become more erratic and my work attitude less reliable since the start of the year. But I do see more unfinished tasks piling up on my desk every morning as I go to work. Scientifically, I am facing a huge wall, yet I am incapable of finish reading articles that my save my research. In a nut shell, if I don't die in 12 days, I will have a lot of catching up to do. Aïe.

It is frustrating, boring, annoying, tiring, sad... but somewhat exciting ... to die.

Hard to explain.

The only other during-sleep-vision with a crystal clear understanding of myself happened when I was a small child, 3? 5 years old, maybe. I was an adult inside, a woman. Waking up to being a child and reciting to my child-self "Ah, yes, I am now a child, I live here, I have a mother. I have a father and a sister.  This is my bedroom. This is my bed. These are my possessions... yes I am me and I must live." That morning, I spent the first few minutes being acquainted or reacquainted with my own surroundings. That day, I started this life as I have known as mine. And that was the same me who declared my own death, a mere 10 months ago. As if I came in contact with my true-self. A strange and rare incident that is probably just my groggy neurons misfiring in random directions during the last few seconds of sleep, but sure as hell felt real. Oh how silly.  

It is still amusing to think that I may start my life over again, rather than being disintegrated into nothing, as I normally would expect. At the moment I die, I wish I could choose which period of my own life (or another person's) I can go back to. I'd prefer very young or 15 y.o. again. The year I moved to the States and relive my mistakes or make different mistakes.So just in case I have correctly predicted my own death through a process that cannot be explained by today's science...., and just in case that I will relive my own life again (and again) or live another life elsewhere (Brazil!) or as another animal (a cat!), I sure hope that my life will be "happy and peaceful." And as for my children, my husband and my parents, "I love you with all my heart. Thank you for being in this life.  I have to go. I love you, love you, love you, love you." 

“Above all, don't fear difficult moments. The best comes from them." Rita Levi-Montalcini

True. I only wish that this brilliant statement were all true. But we all know this is only half true. Sometimes 'the worst' comes out from difficult moments. Other times, 'next to nothing' comes out. Besides, we don't really fear "difficult moments." We fear "what will come out of them." In most cases, difficult moments are like taking a packed commuter train during the peak rush-hour in downtown Tokyo to go to, say, the airport to catch a plane that will ultimately take you to Rio. It's annoying, but we push our bodies into the sweaty mash of people because you know that there is RIO in the end. But if you are not sure of the destination, or if you realize that the train can change its destination, like Westgate Mall, at any moment, then you are more reluctant to accept the challenge. The point being, if we know that 'the best' will always come out, difficult times don't look so bad.

In my current situation of 100%-self-inflicted difficult times, I fear, Oh yes I fear the outcome. No, I do not fear the difficult moments. They are not enjoyable, but bearable. The recurring questions such as; "Was my ground-breaking idea wrong?," "Did I destroy my student's career?," and ultimately, "Am I destroying my own career" keep me awake at 3-4 am in the morning almost everyday. The gut feeling tells me that I am failing miserably, yet I know that I have not yet exhausted all my resources and I must try harder.

A few years ago, I faced another sort of difficulty. It was against other people who inflicted my life (career, mostly) in a negative way. Now it is against science, or rather, Nature itself. There is no winning if I am wrong. I cannot convince Mother Nature to change its rules. I simply need to find out how it works or why it doesn't work. And I am failing miserably at this game.What then, are my options? Should I continue on this line of research until I have exhausted all possible routes. But what if the conclusion is negative - that I have been wrong all along - in the end? What good will come out of that?? And my students who are following me?

Writing blogs used to alleviate my anguish and helped me go back to sleep. It's not working tonight.