Your life will be happy and peaceful

Last Spring, I dreamed that I will die on Feb 16th 2014. In my dream I heard myself announce, matter-of-factly, that "and so this is how I died on the February 16th, 2014." To be perfectly honest, I don't remember if it is Feb 14th or the 16th that I am supposed to, well, die. Nor do I remember "how" exactly I am supposed to leave this life. No matter.

While I have no good reason to believe that this is going to happen and I honestly don't (believe), for the most part, the thought of my own death happening in less than a year has stayed with me for the past 10 months and affected my behavior to a certain degree. For one thing, I started to count number of minutes left 'til my supposedly imminent death. It has also compelled me to accomplish certain long-standing goals, such as getting my act together and obtaining my "Habilitation" degree last summer. I have also be telling my kids how much I love them more often than before. 

On the other hand, my presumed death has made me procrastinate on other less exciting duties under the pretext that "I may not be here (Earth) by same time next year." Tonight is no exception. I really need to be finishing a report on a project. It is not a critical situation. If I fail to provide this in the next couple of days, the rest of the committee members can easily deliver their decision on the project without my input.I do not know if my behavior has become more erratic and my work attitude less reliable since the start of the year. But I do see more unfinished tasks piling up on my desk every morning as I go to work. Scientifically, I am facing a huge wall, yet I am incapable of finish reading articles that my save my research. In a nut shell, if I don't die in 12 days, I will have a lot of catching up to do. Aïe.

It is frustrating, boring, annoying, tiring, sad... but somewhat exciting ... to die.

Hard to explain.

The only other during-sleep-vision with a crystal clear understanding of myself happened when I was a small child, 3? 5 years old, maybe. I was an adult inside, a woman. Waking up to being a child and reciting to my child-self "Ah, yes, I am now a child, I live here, I have a mother. I have a father and a sister.  This is my bedroom. This is my bed. These are my possessions... yes I am me and I must live." That morning, I spent the first few minutes being acquainted or reacquainted with my own surroundings. That day, I started this life as I have known as mine. And that was the same me who declared my own death, a mere 10 months ago. As if I came in contact with my true-self. A strange and rare incident that is probably just my groggy neurons misfiring in random directions during the last few seconds of sleep, but sure as hell felt real. Oh how silly.  

It is still amusing to think that I may start my life over again, rather than being disintegrated into nothing, as I normally would expect. At the moment I die, I wish I could choose which period of my own life (or another person's) I can go back to. I'd prefer very young or 15 y.o. again. The year I moved to the States and relive my mistakes or make different mistakes.So just in case I have correctly predicted my own death through a process that cannot be explained by today's science...., and just in case that I will relive my own life again (and again) or live another life elsewhere (Brazil!) or as another animal (a cat!), I sure hope that my life will be "happy and peaceful." And as for my children, my husband and my parents, "I love you with all my heart. Thank you for being in this life.  I have to go. I love you, love you, love you, love you."