Miles are covered one step at a time

Stressed or distressed or depressed.
Can't really tell the difference at this point.
I am facing, as usual, the massive consequence of my failure, inadequacy, shortcomings, whatever.

The biggest mistake I have made is, accepting to do more than I could handle.
Pretending to have the answers I don't have.
Failing to say 'no.'

But if I had admitted to not having solutions. If I had said no and stayed within my small comfort zone... Could I have seen and experienced what I did in the last 12 months? No, I could not.

I will take the plane tomorrow. It will most likely be the most humiliating and uncomfortable trip I have ever had in my professional life. Worse than the one I had a month ago. I will be ridiculed, maybe blamed. Why am I doing this? What have I got myself into?

Here I am wishing for an accident, that will let me 'off the hook.'

I am tired. Maybe, I am just simply, really really tired and the reality is not as awful as I perceive. Maybe, just may be, I am not as pathetic as I feel. Maybe, I will not be received so poorly on the other side of the ocean. Maybe I will be granted the forgiveness that I so crave. Maybe I don't even need to be forgiven.

Why is it that I am always in the position of being forgiven? I never have to forgive others because nobody ever, or hardly ever, wrongs me. I am surrounded by honest people who are wise enough not to promise what they cannot deliver. They don't have to beg for my forgiveness. I, on the other hand, am apologizing constantly. Non-stop. To everyone. For causing them pain, obstacles, extra work, nuisance. Why am I so imperfect?

I deserve whatever is coming my way. Resigned, I go. I will take the plane. To my dreaded, humiliation. Oh, my friend, will you forgive me?

Miles? more like 6000 miles. one step at a time, sure,  but I will by flying at 800 miles/hour. 6000 miles away, awaits my doom. The doom I deserve. One giant step at a time, I go. I plunge, with a defeated smile. I am tired.