That's about all I can take. Another rejection. Apparently, I have been doing it all wrong.
3 big NO's received this year. Monthly NO's. Studded with other unfortunate, unwelcome failures and roadblocks. Nothing advances, nothing gets through and nothing is granted. No rewards, no recognition. What have I done wrong? Comments given in each rejection letter tell me what is wrong. So if I accept (don't have much choice) these wrongs, then where and when did I go wrong? 3 years ago. Was it not well thought through? Apparenly no. Is it too late to correct? Yes and no. For me no. For certain others whom I dragged into this mess, yes. How can I fix it? How can I FIX IT?????
Monday, March 23, 2015
Monday, March 9, 2015
You are filled with a sense of urgency. Be patient or you may end up confused.
When bad news accumulate, a good news becomes more and more 'urgent,' indeed. Am I confused? Yes, I think so. I would use the word "lost" instead of confused, but I suppose I am lost because I am confused. In fact, I am edging toward the panic point every day now.
I have had my share of bad news this year and it's only March 9th. Lately, I find myself feeling relieved and even content when I don't hear or find out a bad news all day when I return from work when I reach home.
2014 was a mix of both good and bad news, all of which were mild in its intensity. And most importantly, I didn't die as I had thought I just might.
But 2015, oh my. The first two months have given me one bad news each. The first one was disheartening. 18 months of work brushed off and belittled by one man who has no expertise in judging our work and refused to get a second opinion. The second was less cruel mostly because we knew that we had very little chance of succeeding from the beginning. At both times, I (and those who were implicated in these works) had to start from swallowing, digesting, briefly falling down on our knees knowing that we really cannot affort the time spent on one's knees, picking ourselves back as we form contingency plans and then we take a big breath. And when we are done exhaling, it's already we are behind the schedule to start fixing the problem the bad news had brought us.
Then there were other less devastating bad news. Electrodes not working, molecules complexing with metal ions, acids reducing other ions unexpectedly, porous membrane getting clogged up with residual water? molecules. And of course, my daughter will have to have 4 milk teeth removed this week and I am so late on doing my taxes, too.
I make list of things that ought to be done. I cross out those tasks, but before I can cross one out, 3 more appears in the form of emails, phone calls, noise from the lab, etc. then my day is gone. yes, I am confused, I am lost and I need time. Need time to think so I can define and construct meaningful workplan and of course, sound research direction. What kills me is that I know how I can buy this time. I need more manpower. But to have more manpower, I need money (burrowed or given) to hire them. To get money, I need grants. To get grants, I need more results. And to have more results, I need to have more manpower and this is the vicious sprial in which I find myself trapped. Some of my more fortunate colleagues have the manpower issue solved and now it appears to be a routine, albeit not an easy one, to fund their work. A scientist like mylsef, who's struggling to start my own group, I either lack all 3 elements (manpower, results and money) or only given the money but not enough to ensure the continous supply of manpower to build a sustainable research group.
I need to make a choice. I don't have much money. My human resource is limited. So I need to concentrate on producing results and just results without worrying about the first two for a while. Or get tons of money first and re-start from there? Oh, yes, I am confused. and I can sure use a good news this month.
I have had my share of bad news this year and it's only March 9th. Lately, I find myself feeling relieved and even content when I don't hear or find out a bad news all day when I return from work when I reach home.
2014 was a mix of both good and bad news, all of which were mild in its intensity. And most importantly, I didn't die as I had thought I just might.
But 2015, oh my. The first two months have given me one bad news each. The first one was disheartening. 18 months of work brushed off and belittled by one man who has no expertise in judging our work and refused to get a second opinion. The second was less cruel mostly because we knew that we had very little chance of succeeding from the beginning. At both times, I (and those who were implicated in these works) had to start from swallowing, digesting, briefly falling down on our knees knowing that we really cannot affort the time spent on one's knees, picking ourselves back as we form contingency plans and then we take a big breath. And when we are done exhaling, it's already we are behind the schedule to start fixing the problem the bad news had brought us.
Then there were other less devastating bad news. Electrodes not working, molecules complexing with metal ions, acids reducing other ions unexpectedly, porous membrane getting clogged up with residual water? molecules. And of course, my daughter will have to have 4 milk teeth removed this week and I am so late on doing my taxes, too.
I make list of things that ought to be done. I cross out those tasks, but before I can cross one out, 3 more appears in the form of emails, phone calls, noise from the lab, etc. then my day is gone. yes, I am confused, I am lost and I need time. Need time to think so I can define and construct meaningful workplan and of course, sound research direction. What kills me is that I know how I can buy this time. I need more manpower. But to have more manpower, I need money (burrowed or given) to hire them. To get money, I need grants. To get grants, I need more results. And to have more results, I need to have more manpower and this is the vicious sprial in which I find myself trapped. Some of my more fortunate colleagues have the manpower issue solved and now it appears to be a routine, albeit not an easy one, to fund their work. A scientist like mylsef, who's struggling to start my own group, I either lack all 3 elements (manpower, results and money) or only given the money but not enough to ensure the continous supply of manpower to build a sustainable research group.
I need to make a choice. I don't have much money. My human resource is limited. So I need to concentrate on producing results and just results without worrying about the first two for a while. Or get tons of money first and re-start from there? Oh, yes, I am confused. and I can sure use a good news this month.
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