“Above all, don't fear difficult moments. The best comes from them." Rita Levi-Montalcini

True. I only wish that this brilliant statement were all true. But we all know this is only half true. Sometimes 'the worst' comes out from difficult moments. Other times, 'next to nothing' comes out. Besides, we don't really fear "difficult moments." We fear "what will come out of them." In most cases, difficult moments are like taking a packed commuter train during the peak rush-hour in downtown Tokyo to go to, say, the airport to catch a plane that will ultimately take you to Rio. It's annoying, but we push our bodies into the sweaty mash of people because you know that there is RIO in the end. But if you are not sure of the destination, or if you realize that the train can change its destination, like Westgate Mall, at any moment, then you are more reluctant to accept the challenge. The point being, if we know that 'the best' will always come out, difficult times don't look so bad.

In my current situation of 100%-self-inflicted difficult times, I fear, Oh yes I fear the outcome. No, I do not fear the difficult moments. They are not enjoyable, but bearable. The recurring questions such as; "Was my ground-breaking idea wrong?," "Did I destroy my student's career?," and ultimately, "Am I destroying my own career" keep me awake at 3-4 am in the morning almost everyday. The gut feeling tells me that I am failing miserably, yet I know that I have not yet exhausted all my resources and I must try harder.

A few years ago, I faced another sort of difficulty. It was against other people who inflicted my life (career, mostly) in a negative way. Now it is against science, or rather, Nature itself. There is no winning if I am wrong. I cannot convince Mother Nature to change its rules. I simply need to find out how it works or why it doesn't work. And I am failing miserably at this game.What then, are my options? Should I continue on this line of research until I have exhausted all possible routes. But what if the conclusion is negative - that I have been wrong all along - in the end? What good will come out of that?? And my students who are following me?

Writing blogs used to alleviate my anguish and helped me go back to sleep. It's not working tonight.