Integrity is the essence of everything successful.

While I do not fully agree, I admit that the lack of integrity is catching up with me.
Loose ends are coming back to haunt me. Karma?

Excuses and catchy phrases I threw in here and there, now seem like "small lies."
And I find myself making more excuses. This has to stop. I have to stop. Need to stick to what I can handle. I am not cut out for treading water in a big ocean on a stormy day. I am 45. I write like a 23 looking for her best career choice. I am too old for this. I should be too old for this, no?

4am, 3am or 5am. Dreams with giant spiders and ants. Days spent on manipulating and sending out excuse messages for failing to manipulate. Those spiders, blocking my way. The doors without knobs that I cannot get back inside, FedEx delivery men coercing me to sign a dubious paper. I don't want to fall asleep, unless I am too tired to dream. My work days are a mess ... for I lack integreity to finish any job. And in between the dream world and the real world, its the worst territory where I sit awake not wanting to go back to either world.

3am and then 5am.

I need some sleep.