Traveling more often is important for your health and happiness.

Yes, and I will.

Now and then, here and there, remorseful moments invade the spirit of every parents. Today, I am regretting the lack of connection between my daughter and myself. Children (often) behave in an unacceptable manner. We remind them that they are wrong and why, correct them or punish them if necessary. But when they repeat a particular type of wrong behavior over and over, there's a subliminal, hidden message directly thrown at us. A message that they are not even aware of.

She cannot phrase it. She doesn't understand why she snaps. It's beyond her control now. But is it beyond mine? She is 7 years old and she is too young for me to give up. She is telling me somthing important. She wants me and she needs me in a way that I am not delivering. There is an aspect in her relationship with her mother that needs to be identified as a problem. Proper solutions and a mutual acceptance are needed, IMMEDIATELY.

So I am taking my daughter on a short trip. Forget daddy and the baby for just 2-3 days. We are off to.... I don't know. the Disney Land? Asterix Land?
Somewhere nice and quiet. London. That's it. I am taking her to London.

I do not expect this trip to fix us. But I have a feeling that we need a time together and it will give us just what we need. I miss my daughter and I have a feeling that she's been missing me a lot longer than I suspect.

Pick a path with heart

I'd like to do just that. But I don't see many paths to choose from.

Seeking, I do.

I do not see new ones opening up for me.

Had an interview today. I do not believe it went well. It was quite different from interview styles, if we can use such a word to classify job interviews, that I am used to. Very impersonal. Almost artificial. As if they are looking to fill a hole with a lid and it didn't matter to them which material the lid is made from, nor the color or the weight. There was no feeling of 'good match' as the interview was winding down. Questions asked were far more common and general that I had expected to answer to.

No good news for me from them.

May life throw you a pleasant curve

Lately, I am getting once-already-seen fortunes. I must have used them all up.

Well, I knew this all along.

They mean nothing and even less if you open them too often.

*A new rule*

I will open one fortune cookie every 15 days. What's the sense in this new rule? NONE.

Just trying to extend the little pleasure of cookie opening. Mean while, I hope they will come up with new fortunes.

Excitement and intrigue follow you closely wherever you go! AGAIN?

But I am not going anywhere.
I came to work this morning. I will go home this evening.
I will repeat the same tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow and the day after that, until Friday.
Then I will take my kids to the Saturday language school on Saturday, then will stay home to babysit.
A lunch with friends on Sunday.

Try me. Excite me. Intrigue me.

Plan for many pleasures ahead

Boy, how I wish I could.

-possibly- a bad news

When I started this weblog of mumbling middle-aged physicist, I expected to post my daily struggle and one day a major good news that will change my professional/personal life.

So far, there hasn't been any substantial good news, nor the changes that will inevitably follow.

I had one job interview and another one coming up in two weeks. These are not bad news, per se, but they are just prologues that need to be developed into a good news.

Fortune cookies have been dull recently, too. "To love is to forgive" was it? And I am hardly in the mood to forgive or love amidst all these tedious errands and problems I am faced with.

Then today, I see a job opening post, dated Nov. 5, 2009.... the exact same job that I had an interview for. This does not fall in the category of "good news". In essence, it is a very bad news. I guess I knew, or perhaps I am wrong all around. Now I am persuaded to reckon that I could not convince them to make me an offer. Not surprising. They would prefer someone local, without a family, younger, perhaps. If I want this job, I should react fast. I should send a message asking if they have stopped considering me with a few up-beat words presenting my case; why they should hire me. But with my husband not seriously searching for a job, if they offer me a job with a small salary, I will have to refuse it. The ideal scenario would be for him to find a job to which he can apply for, then he applies and I will send a "touching-base-with-you" all in the next 3 days. The biggest drag will be, once again, my husband. the one I love. He is hard please. There are only one or two things that interest him professionally/intellectually. Cryogenics fluid and thermal science research. Basically, there's no job out there for him unless he can widen his academic interest.

Yet, somewhere far far faaarrrr back in my head, there's a presentiment... almost a conceit, that says I will get the offer. It feels real, but it's purely based on a hunch and a wishful thinking. There will be a good news coming on my way. There has to be.

I have to find job for my hubby now.

If you want the rainbow, you must to put up with the rain. D. Parton

I cannot remember what my cookie said to me yesterday or the day before. But I remember that they weren't very rosy. Just like this one.

The trend has set in. I am getting grim, bleak and/or confusing fortunes.

I believed that I was done 'putting up with the rain'. That's what my last 8-10 years were all about. Please don't make me live under the weather any more. A fulfilling career in a neighborhood I can call home, with happy kids and a husband. I have the latter two. But the former two are very important, too. And I know my kids can be happy where I know I can be happy. It's always the husband (and his mom) who casts dark shadow over a woman's career path......

Get ready! Good fortune comes in bunches.

If I interpret this as my expecting, needy, predispositioned mind directs, I will receive two job offers and Bertrand one TODAY. OK, may be not today, and maybe not all of them on a single day.

Now that I am on my toes, waiting for an answer (answers) from the prospective employers, I have started searching for opportunities for my significant other half. I have come to a realization, yet once again, that he is not going to look for one himself, before declaring defeat. "Oh, there's nothing out there for me". I can see it coming.
So he applied for one job and he is waiting for an offer.
That's good. That's definitely, infinitely more than what he did 5 years ago.

Then after that one interview, he stopped looking. As if that was more than enough effort to please his wife. And that's exactly it. He just wanted to make me happy, showing that he cared. Showing a nice gesture... pretending that he had a real intention to move. I see it better now that he didn't. He is now gathering once again all reasons not to move. Same o' same o'. I won't live through another let down, honey. Unless the letting-down comes from my side.

I will ask one more time and come, follow me. It is not THE job I was promised 4 years ago. Far less glorious. But I had let go of the chance of my life as a researcher in an academic world. If he is imposing the same condition as he did 4 years ago, I cannot deliver.... largely because of him.
So here is the next best and that's excellent for me. Your call. Not fair? it has not been fair for me for the last 10 years, so please don't cry fairness for yourself now.

Keep your plans secret for now

Yes. That sounds logical. But from who? should I keep it away from my family, too?

Obviously, I am going to be bragging about it as soon as I discover what this 'secret' is all about. so there's no secret here. Well, nobody reads my blog except myself anyway, right. I suppose my secret is safe. I hope my plan will be the consequence of an email message that I will receive by the end of the day.

skill comes from diligence

speak truth, my friend.

I cannot just give up and saying that 'I am no good'. This is what we tell our kids everyday, too. How come nobody bothers to tell you these obvious truth once you are grown up?

By the way, I did get an email message just now, before the end of the day, that partially solved my problem. This was a good news. Small, but good nonetheless. I can sleep easy tonight.

Your past success will be overshadowed by your future success.

This is only getting better.

All cookies point to a one huge (relatively speaking) success in my future.

I cannot think of my 'past success,' but whatever it is referring to, it is nothing compared to what I am about to achieve. OK... perhaps it is not going to happen soon. Maybe it is going to come around in a few year, maybe decades.

It is annoying; however, I only get positive cookies when it comes to predicting my future. How come I don't receive negative, or boring ones? "Win some, lose some" "Your endurance will be tested" "A big loss may cripple your thoughts" etc? We all know the answer to that question. Because people will stop using this fortune cookie application if they don't get up-beat, bright and cheerful proverbs and predictions. Of course, of course. If I get one that says "someone close to you will die," I will definitely write it off and will not return to such a silly site. So they only give happy future, and some meaningful proverbs here and there.

I don't even know why I keep on reading these messages in virtual cookies. I need help?

Decide what you want and go for it

That's what I am saying!

2 goals: Relocation (back to the US) and a new career path (editor/writer/comm in Physics).

But for now, it is not up to me. I hope I will have my "Good News" soon.

Have I done enough? I don't know. I can always do more an I can always do too much or too little. I'll never know.

I am feeling better today.

Every Friend Joys in your Success

As I await for my future to prevail itself.... to some degree, this is a good one.

I have sent out three applications. Had one interview in a rush. Now I have to wait and see if I will be offered a job and a career path. My hubby also had an interview which he thought had gone well and we are on our toes on their response/decision, too.

It has been full 4 years plus a few months since I had been in this situation. Less desperate this time, perhaps, as I have a job that I probably will not lose if this mid-life career transition attempt does not produce a concrete and desired result. I am faced with an entirely different kind of problem, though. In the event that I do receive an offer (a big IF), how do I go about announcing my departure to the current employer and colleagues. Where I work, people do not leave their jobs easily. In fact, hardly ever! Every permanent staff around has been hired at an age appropriate for his/her career track (technicians were hired when they were 21-23, engineers at 23-26, and researchers at 27-35 years old) and .... well, never left. Most people in my work place have held only one permanent job. I doubt that my decision be incomprehensible to them, but it will come as a surprise, a shock and a burden. As nobody has ever doubted the presence of others around him/her, subconsciously or consciously, we all count on each other's presence a lot. And the hiring process of a new staff member is excruciatingly long and laborious. I have been (and still am, of course) afraid of making many people unhappy and being criticized for betraying their trust.

I thought of transferring the responsibility to someone else... my husband and say that "well he wants to move, so I follow," or flat out lie and say "my family wishes to have me back in the US." But THAT would not be very dignified. Not so long ago, I was advised to meet conflict with dignity. As stupid as it may sound (not the dignity part, but what I am about to write), I take these words to heart. That said, thought of facing and announcing my decision to quit frightens me. So this cookie is an up-lifting one. It maybe saying, and may not be saying, that I will be successful (in getting an offer or two) and people around me will be happy for me. Of course, it maybe saying, and may not be saying that the world around will be brutal toward my success and only my true friends will joy. A warning that this will be a rough ride, but focus on what people who matters to me think and learn to grow thick skin against those who will be disadvantaged from my success. Whatever the correct interpretation (and there probably is no such thing), a success is mine. And since I am so focused lately on a new career opportunity, I just decide that success means a 'job offer'. Let me leave it at that. Got problem with that? I didn't think so.

Fame, riches and romance are yours for the asking

And all I ask for is a brand new job in a grand new field and in a brand new place with a sufficiently high pay and a good health coverage so I can pay the bills and send kids to decent college without worrying about going negative on my bank account.

If I give up fame, riches and romance, can I get what I wish for?

Be happy, it's one way of being wise.

I disagree.

Being exaggeratedly sad is, indeed, one way of being stupid.... if being happy is the goal in life.

But replacing "sad" with "happy" is not going to do the trick. "Sad" and "Happy" are not necessarily opposites. Be Happy? Being Wise?

It should read "Be wise, it maybe the only way to become and remain happy". Ummm, no. That sounds too threatening.

Whatever. This is so far the most useless cookie I've got this year.

It's 11:30pm. I still have tons of writing to do.

If your strength is small, don't carry heavy burdens. If your words are worthless, don't give advice

Ummm...

I just accepted a task to write a chapter in a book on a subject that I don't really master. I wish I had opened this cookie before I said yes. Now I have a bad, bad, baaaaaaaD feeling about this.

Don't forget, you are always on our minds.

Enigmatic.

Whose mind? The first set of people I can think of is comprised of my immediate family members. My DH, DD^2. Then my parents.

Scary thing is, I seriously doubt that I am "always" on other people's mind. Certainly, that cannot be true. If I get in an accident, or die, I perhaps pop-up on my friends' and some of my colleagues' mind frequently for a limited period of time. But always? And interpreted more figuratively, very often, or everyday?? There cannot be too many people out there who gives two shingles about me. I believe this because honestly speaking there are only 3 people who are always on my mind and at all times. Then there are one or two more at less frequency.

But the dear cookie is not talking about who and how many people are on my mind. The main message is the first part of the sentence "Don't forget". I will never forget those who are always on my mind. But I suppose I could forget that I am on their mind, too. What do these three most important people want from me? Easy, I can just reverse question. What do I want and hope them to be?

I want my kids to be self-confident, feel accomplished and accomplish, perform well at school, have friends, be kind to those around them.... have happy, loving lives. I wish my DH be more relaxed, less anxious, better rested, laugh more, be adventurous and exciting and of course, be happy with me and our kids. Expressed in such generalized terms, I want nothing extraordinary. Be happy, I'll be there for you and be there for me, basically. These must be what they wish for me. They don't want me to be a supermom or a superwife. Just happy and be there with them. All else is my selfish ambition and ego. Am I delivering? Hell no, far from it.

I am not self-confident. I think I am a very mediocre researcher. I feel lost at work and this sense of loss is holding me back from thinking clearly and getting my job done.

I do not feel accomplished and accomplishing less because of ... see immediately above. That's why I am looking for a new job. I am not performing well at work. I am quite judgmental, stressed, anxiety attacks me every night so I don't sleep well and thus perpetually tired, low sex-drive and dissatisfied with our lives. Wow, I am not at all what they want me to be.

Why is that so? And what am I to do to be what they wish for me to be?

I think I know the answer, but too complicated to put'em in words at 8am. After taking the shower and finishing other chores, perhaps.

You love Chinese food;

OK. It's settled for lunch tomorrow.

Was gonna go to China town anyway.... but how? how on earth could it/they/she/he know that?

Face Facts with Dignity

Which one?

There are a multiple number of facts that I avoid facing all together these days.

The fact that I am here right now is because I am sneaking up on facts from behind.

The fact that I am writing this blog is because I am ignoring the facts.. and my facts are my responsibilities.

Kids, work, family, my identity.

Agreed. I need to act with more dignity. Be a responsible adult and get things done.

But in what order?

I am lost. Overwhelmed. My brain does not function. Every task seems too complicated or intellectually beyond me since last year. I can feel walls closing in... pushing against all sides of my brain. My brain needs to breath. It needs more oxygen. I cannot think.

If I weren't so helplessly lost, I would be facing facts and taking care of them (dignified or not). I wouldn't be reading fortune cookies to enlighten me, channeling air into my poor brain. This is not enough. My brain needs to breath. My brain is in a box that's too small. Need to find a bigger box, or throw away what's not been used any longer. Make some space for new elements to enter. But how? Meditate? Yoga? Why not??

« Each moment of a happy lover's hour is worth an age of dull and common life »

People around me and myself keep telling me that I am going to meet someone. And this someone will change my and my family's lives.

I probably shouldn't disclose a dream confession of someone else. So let's stay vague.

According to 'someone', I will leave my family for another man, younger and arrogant American Asian man. A few hours later this someone had his/her dream, across the Atlantic ocean, I had a dream that I was about to meet an American Asian (man) in a bar or a restaurant or some other public place, presumably in New York, because that's where I am right now. A day later, my fortune cookie says « Each moment of a happy lover's hour is worth an age of dull and common life ».

Problem?? yes there is. I don't want to meet someone. I am quite happy with my husband. Sometimes I think I may still be in love with this guy, my husband.

Still.... curious to meet someone. Hey I will be gone from this country in less than a week anyway. I can just look at the person who could change my life but he won't. Can fortune cookie live up to its prediction?

May life throw you a pleasant curve

I ... think .... I used up my pleasant surprise(s) today.

A friendly immigrations officer and two helpful rental car agents.

Pleasant servers and polite drivers.

I breath better when I am back here in the tri-state area.

Now I am still owed a lost object turning up, though.

There's something I need to find = my SS card.

I want this pleasant curve to be a job offer in the Bay Area that we (I) covet so badly.

jet lagged .... and must sleep.

A pleasant surprise is in store for you

It's only getting better. It's my birthday this Satrurday.
Nobody in my family has mentioned it approaching.

This week, I've only got 'positive' sounding cookies.

They should give out negative ones once in a while if they want people to continue using their application. It's losing my faith very quickly now.

Excitement and intrigue follow you closely wherever you go!

I will be traveling to overseas soon. I hope all "excitement and intrigue" are positive and fun kind. No accidents, no lost baggage, wallets, passports, no getting sick. Just fun and good rest.

See, these are the kind of cookies that encourage me to open their shells.

I am about to take an airplane, it tells you what's (not really) gonna happen.

I am looking forward to my trip now!

BTW, no lost items of any kind has resurfaced today. Still waiting for yesterday's fortune to come true.

Something you lost will soon turn up.

Waking up from a violent dream is never easy. I have plenty of those.

This time I was fighting and winning a duel against someone from my work.

Someone I appreciate (professionally) very much. Perhaps the most efficient and diligent person I know at work. Why was I fighting him? How come he was insisting that we continue to fight when I was definitely winning and he was bleeding from wounds?

Dreams are similar to fortune cookies. Many believe that dreams can predict. Personally, I don't see how, considering dreams happen in one's brain. My brain creates dreams (output) strictly based on my daily physical and cognitive activities (input). It's a sophisticated computer, but a computer, nonetheless. It does not just invent. But just as numerical simulations do, perhaps it can combine all sorts of parameters and somehow predict the course of nature, unconsciously??? And just like those financial market simulating algorithms, a brain running on incomplete parameters (and no doubt include irrelevant ones, too) spits out wrong forecast. Then there's no or little point searching for any road sign (for the future) in one's dream. If there's signs, they are most likely to be plain wrong. But these signs are fun to read. Since I am clueless which direction to take in my life and even less at what speed, might as well read these signs, casually, of course.

Let's see, so what happened in my head this morning??? Right before I woke up, I remember sobbing with a still spear in my hand, saying how sorry I was and that we had to stop. I tried to take him to the secretary's office (dunno why). And others were coming back from lunch and they were just walking passed us. What got us into a duel? There, it's all a blur. I conclude, with no logical basis but strictly based on my hunch, that I am not going to kill my colleague. The dream was a product of pure coincidence with random ingredients that my brain chose per chance. If my brain had acted without my consent to simulate my future, well miss, you got it wrong.... this time. But maybe one day, accidentally, you (I am talking to my brain) will pick out the right and close to a full set of relevant parameters to come up with a correct prediction. It's just this little possibility that makes me want to recount my dreams in the morning while 'waking up' because otherwise they are lost forever (I have another blog on weird and fun dreams). And if my future is in it, that'll be a shame.

Today's fortune cookie says: Something you lost will soon turn up.

Oh goooooddd, I may recover some gruesome details of my dream in the middle of the day?

a side note: Of course, dreams may reflect how you were feeling the night before and if you are experiencing stress, etc., but that's just boring and leave that for psychologists to discuss.

Your unlimited patience will be rewarded sooner or later

So it said my fortune cookie yesterday.
I love fortune cookies. Out of those crusty shells, they have spat out incredibly timely and accurate messages time and time again when I found myself at decisive moments in my life.

"He loves you as much as he can. But he cannot love very much." was thrown in my face when I was trying to rebuild a failed relationship with a man (boy) who couldn't stop sleeping with other women.

"You are going to a sunshine city." A very nice heads up, a few days before I received a rejection letter from MIT and I attended a graduate school in Florida.

I am, officially, a physicist. At my job and in my private life with my husband, a research engineer, there is no space for paranormal phenomena. There are no miracles, no magic, nothing incredible happens in nature. If you are surprised, that's because you just don't understand the underlying laws of physics that lead to the events unfolding before you. Intellectual inaptitude should not be covered up by provoking a "higher order" in the universe.

So there's nothing mysterious about fortune cookies, of course. Fortunes found in them are always, almost always, written in a form of suggestive statements. They can be interpreted in many ways. Even blatantly stupid and wrong statements, e.g. "you will become rich tomorrow" or "your mom is a man" can become metaphorically true.... But mostly they give you boring advices, e.g. "be good to your neighbors and they'll be good to you". What's so fortune about this statement anyway? Nothing, really. Or is it?
Well, fortune is in the eyes (or hands) of beholder. If you are desparately searching for fortune, then you are likely to find yours in those little edible aberrant polyhedron. (hey, actually, I don't think I've ever eaten one). For nothing else, fortune cookies can give you a refreshing point-of-view to your current situation. And sometimes, we all just need to step back and get a better view of ourselves.

And now it's about me. I am in a dire need of 'fortune' right now. My career is not -propsering- and I doubt that it ever will if I stay where I am and continue to do what I do. I do not like where I live. My kid's having problems at school. I need a change. A big change. Maybe a multiple number of changes. New ideas, so I can bring the changes I need so desparately.

I open my fortune cookies. But there's a problem. Here in France, Chinese restaurants do not share this custom of giving away fortune cookies. Solution? I resort to fortune cookies on .... internet.

"Your unlimited patience will be rewarded sooner or later."
...........................mmmmKay........................................
Oh, I like this one. It's much much better than the one from last week that said "Flattery will get you far tonight". Yes, I have been patient. And I am going to get rewarded! Hell with 'getting different perspectives and to effectively use them to improve my life'. I want my reward now. I have been good, yes sir, I have. Since I read this 'fortune' I open every email with great enthusiasm, thinking "this message may contain my reward" and close each email with equally great dissapointment.

Silly, I know. But fun, I must admit.

Time to get back to work, as the fortune cookie from two weeks ago said: "The best days are the days you work". And who knows, my reward may come after my death and the cookie will still have told the truth.