Don't forget, you are always on our minds.

Enigmatic.

Whose mind? The first set of people I can think of is comprised of my immediate family members. My DH, DD^2. Then my parents.

Scary thing is, I seriously doubt that I am "always" on other people's mind. Certainly, that cannot be true. If I get in an accident, or die, I perhaps pop-up on my friends' and some of my colleagues' mind frequently for a limited period of time. But always? And interpreted more figuratively, very often, or everyday?? There cannot be too many people out there who gives two shingles about me. I believe this because honestly speaking there are only 3 people who are always on my mind and at all times. Then there are one or two more at less frequency.

But the dear cookie is not talking about who and how many people are on my mind. The main message is the first part of the sentence "Don't forget". I will never forget those who are always on my mind. But I suppose I could forget that I am on their mind, too. What do these three most important people want from me? Easy, I can just reverse question. What do I want and hope them to be?

I want my kids to be self-confident, feel accomplished and accomplish, perform well at school, have friends, be kind to those around them.... have happy, loving lives. I wish my DH be more relaxed, less anxious, better rested, laugh more, be adventurous and exciting and of course, be happy with me and our kids. Expressed in such generalized terms, I want nothing extraordinary. Be happy, I'll be there for you and be there for me, basically. These must be what they wish for me. They don't want me to be a supermom or a superwife. Just happy and be there with them. All else is my selfish ambition and ego. Am I delivering? Hell no, far from it.

I am not self-confident. I think I am a very mediocre researcher. I feel lost at work and this sense of loss is holding me back from thinking clearly and getting my job done.

I do not feel accomplished and accomplishing less because of ... see immediately above. That's why I am looking for a new job. I am not performing well at work. I am quite judgmental, stressed, anxiety attacks me every night so I don't sleep well and thus perpetually tired, low sex-drive and dissatisfied with our lives. Wow, I am not at all what they want me to be.

Why is that so? And what am I to do to be what they wish for me to be?

I think I know the answer, but too complicated to put'em in words at 8am. After taking the shower and finishing other chores, perhaps.