“Above all, don't fear difficult moments. The best comes from them." Rita Levi-Montalcini

True. I only wish that this brilliant statement were all true. But we all know this is only half true. Sometimes 'the worst' comes out from difficult moments. Other times, 'next to nothing' comes out. Besides, we don't really fear "difficult moments." We fear "what will come out of them." In most cases, difficult moments are like taking a packed commuter train during the peak rush-hour in downtown Tokyo to go to, say, the airport to catch a plane that will ultimately take you to Rio. It's annoying, but we push our bodies into the sweaty mash of people because you know that there is RIO in the end. But if you are not sure of the destination, or if you realize that the train can change its destination, like Westgate Mall, at any moment, then you are more reluctant to accept the challenge. The point being, if we know that 'the best' will always come out, difficult times don't look so bad.

In my current situation of 100%-self-inflicted difficult times, I fear, Oh yes I fear the outcome. No, I do not fear the difficult moments. They are not enjoyable, but bearable. The recurring questions such as; "Was my ground-breaking idea wrong?," "Did I destroy my student's career?," and ultimately, "Am I destroying my own career" keep me awake at 3-4 am in the morning almost everyday. The gut feeling tells me that I am failing miserably, yet I know that I have not yet exhausted all my resources and I must try harder.

A few years ago, I faced another sort of difficulty. It was against other people who inflicted my life (career, mostly) in a negative way. Now it is against science, or rather, Nature itself. There is no winning if I am wrong. I cannot convince Mother Nature to change its rules. I simply need to find out how it works or why it doesn't work. And I am failing miserably at this game.What then, are my options? Should I continue on this line of research until I have exhausted all possible routes. But what if the conclusion is negative - that I have been wrong all along - in the end? What good will come out of that?? And my students who are following me?

Writing blogs used to alleviate my anguish and helped me go back to sleep. It's not working tonight.

Decide what you want and go for it

There are many idiomatic phrases that carry the same (essential) message as "Decide what you want and go for it." The one that comes to my mind immediately is "Simple in my virtue. Steadfast in my duty." This is an English translation of the motto from my elementary school (and their junior high and the high school, too if I had stayed long enough in Japan). The original text is in French "Simple dans ma vertu. Forte dans mon devoir."

The trickiest thing about following this simple and banal recommendation is in fixing the target (what you want), and not forgetting it (what you going for). I never really understood what the motto meant while I was in school. And for that matter, I highly doubt that the teaching staff, many of them nuns, did either. As a child, I simply had no interest in the essence of the school motto set forth by a group of nuns some hundred plus years ago. The nuns, retrospectively speaking, appeared to be lost in the eternal act of executing their 'duty' and lost the sight of 'virtue.' There were many instances, when 'duty' and 'virtue' were treated as synonyms and worse, 'duty' had completely replaced 'virtue' in their teachings. And THIS irritates me about many -blindly- religious and/or conservative folks, but here I digress.

The point is, the goal (what you want) should be invariable, while the method (how to go for it) should be devised wisely and firmly yet creatively and flexibly. What happens often to many of us, or at least it happens to me more frequently that I like, is that we become too preoccupied by our quotidian errands and obligations that we change our goal more often than our habits. And in the end we forget what is it that we wanted to achieve.

After opening this fortune cookie (yep, I still read my fortune cookies and this one is no exception), I opened my 'notebook of everything' to see what is that I want. This notebook (I am on book#6?) contains my life: the list of errands, meetings, calculations, cooking recipes, doctor's appointments and what not. I am lost without my notebook and my children will be, too. With ever increasing workload and parenting duties, I no longer keep anything in my brain. Everything is written down and dated in this notebook. BUT strangely, there is nothing written about what I *want* to do. Hmmmm... what do I want beyond some general and arbitrary concepts like "world peace" and "clean air" (okay, that's not 'arbitrary' per se,  but at the individual human level, it's as tangible as world peace).

It turns out that I only have incremental goals (I want my HDR (it's a degree), higher salary) and generic wishes (healthy children). Incremental goals are, and should be, part of struggle before reaching the ultimate goal.... so for what purpose am I working so hard to clear these incremental goals, I have some thinking to do now. But first, I have to make breakfast and wake up kids. Darn..

The first step to better times is to imagine them

Much has happened since I last connected to my own blog. This proves once again that I am not the kind of person to be remembered for her record keeping skills.
A man died. His death was unexpected and brought immeasurable amount of pain and complication to those bereaved. His death also brought, rather predictable and measurable consequences to his colleagues, once it happened. For one of his ex-colleagues, me, it has given me the emancipation so sorely needed. My career has morphed and prospered since a year ago and there is no denying that I enjoy the sense of accomplishment. But there is also this lingering feeling that tells me.. that I did not pay for this, albeit small and short, period of professional success. Somebody else has paid the price and I am not entitle to claim the prize....   Regardless of how he was perceived at work, there is little doubt that he had been a dedicated husband and a father; one of the most dear quality that our society seeks in a man.  So why am I the one benefiting from someone else's loss?

Ahhhh.... The fact is, the two entities (my career and the bereavement of the family) are not correlated because I did not cause his death (brain cancer, so we were told). The two simply intersected one another through his death. But a human mind, my mind, does not accept such an over simplified mathematical representation. I started to realize that the two line crossing picture could have been the correct one, if our lives can all be described by, or be forced into via a sheer will power, a straight line. I could have cut all ties with the family, just shrugged them off as bygones. They could have shrugged me and the rest of us at work as bygones and moved on. But we didn't. We exchanged calls, invited each other, car pooled. We shared. We kindled. Now our lives have become twisted. At the beginning the twist pitch was frequent, now we only interact once every few months. Soon every 6 months, then just exchanging new year wishes, maybe. But I know that our lives will cross again and again in the future and that these people are part of my future. I can only hope that my imagined better times and theirs have something in common.


    

You will find recognition for what you do.

That will be a change. But what do I really do?

Ooooh, now I am scared.

It is a good time to finish up old tasks

Old tasks.... old tasks..... I got them! This week's goal:

Write the "Ns" paper. (need one week)

Finish data analysis on FQ measurements (at least 3 days)

Finish the FFT analysis on TQ noise measurements (3-5 days?)

Finish the application documents for the HDR. (2 weeks?)

But .... what about New but pressing tasks???? Must do list:

Finish the PM analysis? (must be done before Wed.)

Start calibrating electrodes (must start before the end of the week)

Finish translation (THIS MORNING)

Go to the bank (can only do it on Wed.)

Take kids to the dentist (appt on Wed.)

Submit the evaluation form (TODAY)

Spend time with kids (everyday between 5pm-9pm)

There's just not enough time when you become a parent.

Any rough times are behind you.

Oh, how I don't believe you.

There was another big earthquake near Sendai today.

I almost weeped, but stopped short and just yelped.

In the wake of March 11th, I have joined the mass Japanese oversea population searching for a way to take part in the disaster .... or more like a series of disasters. Some have organized charity bazaar, some charity concerts, some donation rally, and we have also attended these events. In many ways, we all wanted to suffer, somehow believing that by sharing pain, we can somehow alleviate the pain of those direct victims who lost their homes, families, friends, etc. I hoped to make a difference, by doing something that others cannot do. I volunteered to translate the technical documents dealing with radiation fallout simulations for a national institute here in France. I am trying to quantify the internal irradiation hazard from contaminated food consumption following several scenarios. But am I really contributing by doing any of these things? I don't know. Perhaps not. Am I conceited to think that there's something I can do that others cannot? Well, I probably am. Now I can only hope that my act of arrogance and self-satisfying acts can benefit the Japanese public.

An important person will offer you support.

Oh yes. Who? When? Why?
I hope he/she is very (or at least semi) important to many people, too!
Could it be whom I am thinking of??? Should I make a call now??