So, what it's saying is .... "There's nothing you can do about it at this point. Let Nature take its course."
This is not exactly what I was hoping to hear. I wished for "Your effort will soon be rewarded," or "Hard times are behind you" or something that signals that my luck turing in a positive direction.
Of course I can interpret this as "I free my mind and everything will turn out fine."
Then the question becomes "how does one free her mind?" and "from what, exactly?"
As I open my fortune cookie only when I have a specific issue (often negative), I reason in this context. This time, it is not a problem that I am dealing with. I am awaiting a verdict to be announced (imminent!) on my piece of work. I don't get to decide. They do. Free my mind, indeed. It serves absolutely no good purpose to ponder and fret over other people's decision. The rest will follow, as usual.
Free my mind, think of something else. It's useless. Gosh, how I wish I could tolerate alcohol to help freeing my mind!
Thursday, June 25, 2015
Friday, May 15, 2015
Doing the impossible is kind of fun.
I have a strange feeling that this quote comes from a Disney movie.
It's only fun when you know somewhere in your heart that it can be done. Right now, I don't know if my goals are atteinable at all. They probably aren't. At least not with my skills and now with my brain. I lack the expertise. I lack the intelligence. I am frightened. The hole is getting deeper and deeper. It stopped being fun, but having fun is the only way out of this.... that and just quitting, which is not really a viable option. Because quitting will endanger someone else's career.
I need to dig another, side hole and crawl my way up.
If I can pull this off, I can finally quit, or rise above.
It's raining outside, again.
It's only fun when you know somewhere in your heart that it can be done. Right now, I don't know if my goals are atteinable at all. They probably aren't. At least not with my skills and now with my brain. I lack the expertise. I lack the intelligence. I am frightened. The hole is getting deeper and deeper. It stopped being fun, but having fun is the only way out of this.... that and just quitting, which is not really a viable option. Because quitting will endanger someone else's career.
I need to dig another, side hole and crawl my way up.
If I can pull this off, I can finally quit, or rise above.
It's raining outside, again.
Monday, May 4, 2015
Fear is just excitement in need of an attitude adjustment.
Yes, I fear and dread the reactions and the judgements that I (we) will receive if we are to speak up. But I have to, we have to before it's too late. And I am not talking about some human rights movement. Just a report on our research results. So why am I so hesistant and scare to disclose what we have discovered? Why am I of being told that someone *thinks* we are wrong?
Lately, my professional life has taken a larger dimension in my life. It has become non-dissociable from my life itself, and more imprtantly from myself. Being denied of my conclusions and being criticized on the work into which I (we) have put in so much energy, is now a judgement on who I am and what I stand for. Isomorphism, a term I have recently learned at a career orientation event. On a nantional level, apparently, France suffers from "isomorphism." French society cannot dissciate its identity, its "raison d'être" from the methods it uses to run its society. Changing the way they function or produce touches its identity such that it cannot accept any changes (at least not easily). An extreme opposite example given was, a-hem, Japan. Japanese society, strongly anchored on the philosophy of "wa-kon-kan-sai" and "wa-kon-yo-sai" can easily accept new and foreign methods while keeping its sould intact. Oh, really?
On a personal level, however.... I have become progressively isomorphic on the professional front. It's probably related to the fact that I am growing older. And this is a very negative development because it slows me down. I require more and more (self) pep-talk to force myself to tackle unpleasant tasks. At the same time, we build who we are with what we do. So it is not surprising that the older we get, the more challenging it becomes to change our ways. The general rule applies. The old people are more conservative. In fact, the old conservative people are just scared people who do not want to be denied of their existence and their legitimacy.
So... the fact that I cannot seem to start re-writing this darn paper and submit it to elsewhere... is it simply the sign of getting old? Is isomorphism an inevitable fact of getting old? Am I old and scared? If so, that's silly. If not, well, I guess I am just lazy. Either way, there's only one way out of this self-loathing.
Work is work, so let's get to work. It's not me. It's just my work. If this doens't work, I will try something else. It's just work. Let's get to work. Let's get it done.
Lately, my professional life has taken a larger dimension in my life. It has become non-dissociable from my life itself, and more imprtantly from myself. Being denied of my conclusions and being criticized on the work into which I (we) have put in so much energy, is now a judgement on who I am and what I stand for. Isomorphism, a term I have recently learned at a career orientation event. On a nantional level, apparently, France suffers from "isomorphism." French society cannot dissciate its identity, its "raison d'être" from the methods it uses to run its society. Changing the way they function or produce touches its identity such that it cannot accept any changes (at least not easily). An extreme opposite example given was, a-hem, Japan. Japanese society, strongly anchored on the philosophy of "wa-kon-kan-sai" and "wa-kon-yo-sai" can easily accept new and foreign methods while keeping its sould intact. Oh, really?
On a personal level, however.... I have become progressively isomorphic on the professional front. It's probably related to the fact that I am growing older. And this is a very negative development because it slows me down. I require more and more (self) pep-talk to force myself to tackle unpleasant tasks. At the same time, we build who we are with what we do. So it is not surprising that the older we get, the more challenging it becomes to change our ways. The general rule applies. The old people are more conservative. In fact, the old conservative people are just scared people who do not want to be denied of their existence and their legitimacy.
So... the fact that I cannot seem to start re-writing this darn paper and submit it to elsewhere... is it simply the sign of getting old? Is isomorphism an inevitable fact of getting old? Am I old and scared? If so, that's silly. If not, well, I guess I am just lazy. Either way, there's only one way out of this self-loathing.
Work is work, so let's get to work. It's not me. It's just my work. If this doens't work, I will try something else. It's just work. Let's get to work. Let's get it done.
Monday, March 23, 2015
Another bad news
That's about all I can take. Another rejection. Apparently, I have been doing it all wrong.
3 big NO's received this year. Monthly NO's. Studded with other unfortunate, unwelcome failures and roadblocks. Nothing advances, nothing gets through and nothing is granted. No rewards, no recognition. What have I done wrong? Comments given in each rejection letter tell me what is wrong. So if I accept (don't have much choice) these wrongs, then where and when did I go wrong? 3 years ago. Was it not well thought through? Apparenly no. Is it too late to correct? Yes and no. For me no. For certain others whom I dragged into this mess, yes. How can I fix it? How can I FIX IT?????
3 big NO's received this year. Monthly NO's. Studded with other unfortunate, unwelcome failures and roadblocks. Nothing advances, nothing gets through and nothing is granted. No rewards, no recognition. What have I done wrong? Comments given in each rejection letter tell me what is wrong. So if I accept (don't have much choice) these wrongs, then where and when did I go wrong? 3 years ago. Was it not well thought through? Apparenly no. Is it too late to correct? Yes and no. For me no. For certain others whom I dragged into this mess, yes. How can I fix it? How can I FIX IT?????
Monday, March 9, 2015
You are filled with a sense of urgency. Be patient or you may end up confused.
When bad news accumulate, a good news becomes more and more 'urgent,' indeed. Am I confused? Yes, I think so. I would use the word "lost" instead of confused, but I suppose I am lost because I am confused. In fact, I am edging toward the panic point every day now.
I have had my share of bad news this year and it's only March 9th. Lately, I find myself feeling relieved and even content when I don't hear or find out a bad news all day when I return from work when I reach home.
2014 was a mix of both good and bad news, all of which were mild in its intensity. And most importantly, I didn't die as I had thought I just might.
But 2015, oh my. The first two months have given me one bad news each. The first one was disheartening. 18 months of work brushed off and belittled by one man who has no expertise in judging our work and refused to get a second opinion. The second was less cruel mostly because we knew that we had very little chance of succeeding from the beginning. At both times, I (and those who were implicated in these works) had to start from swallowing, digesting, briefly falling down on our knees knowing that we really cannot affort the time spent on one's knees, picking ourselves back as we form contingency plans and then we take a big breath. And when we are done exhaling, it's already we are behind the schedule to start fixing the problem the bad news had brought us.
Then there were other less devastating bad news. Electrodes not working, molecules complexing with metal ions, acids reducing other ions unexpectedly, porous membrane getting clogged up with residual water? molecules. And of course, my daughter will have to have 4 milk teeth removed this week and I am so late on doing my taxes, too.
I make list of things that ought to be done. I cross out those tasks, but before I can cross one out, 3 more appears in the form of emails, phone calls, noise from the lab, etc. then my day is gone. yes, I am confused, I am lost and I need time. Need time to think so I can define and construct meaningful workplan and of course, sound research direction. What kills me is that I know how I can buy this time. I need more manpower. But to have more manpower, I need money (burrowed or given) to hire them. To get money, I need grants. To get grants, I need more results. And to have more results, I need to have more manpower and this is the vicious sprial in which I find myself trapped. Some of my more fortunate colleagues have the manpower issue solved and now it appears to be a routine, albeit not an easy one, to fund their work. A scientist like mylsef, who's struggling to start my own group, I either lack all 3 elements (manpower, results and money) or only given the money but not enough to ensure the continous supply of manpower to build a sustainable research group.
I need to make a choice. I don't have much money. My human resource is limited. So I need to concentrate on producing results and just results without worrying about the first two for a while. Or get tons of money first and re-start from there? Oh, yes, I am confused. and I can sure use a good news this month.
I have had my share of bad news this year and it's only March 9th. Lately, I find myself feeling relieved and even content when I don't hear or find out a bad news all day when I return from work when I reach home.
2014 was a mix of both good and bad news, all of which were mild in its intensity. And most importantly, I didn't die as I had thought I just might.
But 2015, oh my. The first two months have given me one bad news each. The first one was disheartening. 18 months of work brushed off and belittled by one man who has no expertise in judging our work and refused to get a second opinion. The second was less cruel mostly because we knew that we had very little chance of succeeding from the beginning. At both times, I (and those who were implicated in these works) had to start from swallowing, digesting, briefly falling down on our knees knowing that we really cannot affort the time spent on one's knees, picking ourselves back as we form contingency plans and then we take a big breath. And when we are done exhaling, it's already we are behind the schedule to start fixing the problem the bad news had brought us.
Then there were other less devastating bad news. Electrodes not working, molecules complexing with metal ions, acids reducing other ions unexpectedly, porous membrane getting clogged up with residual water? molecules. And of course, my daughter will have to have 4 milk teeth removed this week and I am so late on doing my taxes, too.
I make list of things that ought to be done. I cross out those tasks, but before I can cross one out, 3 more appears in the form of emails, phone calls, noise from the lab, etc. then my day is gone. yes, I am confused, I am lost and I need time. Need time to think so I can define and construct meaningful workplan and of course, sound research direction. What kills me is that I know how I can buy this time. I need more manpower. But to have more manpower, I need money (burrowed or given) to hire them. To get money, I need grants. To get grants, I need more results. And to have more results, I need to have more manpower and this is the vicious sprial in which I find myself trapped. Some of my more fortunate colleagues have the manpower issue solved and now it appears to be a routine, albeit not an easy one, to fund their work. A scientist like mylsef, who's struggling to start my own group, I either lack all 3 elements (manpower, results and money) or only given the money but not enough to ensure the continous supply of manpower to build a sustainable research group.
I need to make a choice. I don't have much money. My human resource is limited. So I need to concentrate on producing results and just results without worrying about the first two for a while. Or get tons of money first and re-start from there? Oh, yes, I am confused. and I can sure use a good news this month.
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Accept something that you cannot change, and you will feel better
Oh, Jeez. Where should I start?
Just from what has (not) happened this week....
The solenoid-valves and their vacuum tubing system. Can't fix it. Don't have enough time to, either.
Student coming tomorrow: He won't be able to work on the new high-temperature probe. It won't be ready in 4 weeks' time.
Master's student project: not going well. Cannot find the right redox couple. Don't have enough time to look into the problem. His new Faraday cage is almost ready, but the electrometer has not been ordered. Another delay.
Project money. Don't have the time to check and report changes.
Payment to a company in England. Haven't got around to checking if the payment has been made.
Project proposal. Needs to be done by next Tuesday. Thus need to be sent to everyone by Friday. This! I can do.
Time to drop everything else for the next 4 days.
By accepting something that I cannot change... does this mean I ought to give it up or do it later? I cannot give up on any of these that I have listed above. There are many more things I can add on the list if I include my private life side of "somethings." For one thing, I forgot that my husband's birthday is coming up. For the first time since we met, I forgot his birthday. I know I need to prepare my trip to see my parents, in what! less than 3 weeks. Not to mention the kids' school festival that I am in charge of. There are too many things and too little time. I have said this many times before, but this year, it's different. I simply have too many things to do. I think this is the first time that working hard is not enough. Yes, there were times in my life that I couldn't get "everything" done. But at the same time, I knew that I could've done more if I had tried harder. This time, it's not the same. I am doing my best and all I can and it's just not enough. I can't. I don't have enough time.
I suppose this is the "something" I need to accept. I cannot do "everything."
Do I feel better? Umm, No.
But this realization forces me to make a priority list.
1. EU Project
2. Master's + Magnetometer (these two must be done in parallel)
3. DD's school festival preparation
4. Trip prep/National project, etc. etc.
So let's get them done. One by one.
Just from what has (not) happened this week....
The solenoid-valves and their vacuum tubing system. Can't fix it. Don't have enough time to, either.
Student coming tomorrow: He won't be able to work on the new high-temperature probe. It won't be ready in 4 weeks' time.
Master's student project: not going well. Cannot find the right redox couple. Don't have enough time to look into the problem. His new Faraday cage is almost ready, but the electrometer has not been ordered. Another delay.
Project money. Don't have the time to check and report changes.
Payment to a company in England. Haven't got around to checking if the payment has been made.
Project proposal. Needs to be done by next Tuesday. Thus need to be sent to everyone by Friday. This! I can do.
Time to drop everything else for the next 4 days.
By accepting something that I cannot change... does this mean I ought to give it up or do it later? I cannot give up on any of these that I have listed above. There are many more things I can add on the list if I include my private life side of "somethings." For one thing, I forgot that my husband's birthday is coming up. For the first time since we met, I forgot his birthday. I know I need to prepare my trip to see my parents, in what! less than 3 weeks. Not to mention the kids' school festival that I am in charge of. There are too many things and too little time. I have said this many times before, but this year, it's different. I simply have too many things to do. I think this is the first time that working hard is not enough. Yes, there were times in my life that I couldn't get "everything" done. But at the same time, I knew that I could've done more if I had tried harder. This time, it's not the same. I am doing my best and all I can and it's just not enough. I can't. I don't have enough time.
I suppose this is the "something" I need to accept. I cannot do "everything."
Do I feel better? Umm, No.
But this realization forces me to make a priority list.
1. EU Project
2. Master's + Magnetometer (these two must be done in parallel)
3. DD's school festival preparation
4. Trip prep/National project, etc. etc.
So let's get them done. One by one.
Monday, March 17, 2014
Good luck is the result of good planning
This is wrong. There is a "chance" ingredient in the success obtained
via "luck." So, no. The statement is wrong. But obviously, the author's
intention was to use "good luck" to describe "success" and/or
"fortune." I have also seen an idiom T-shirt recently worn by an
innocent, yet misguided wearer that said "Winning is a habit. Success is
a choice." Now that's a load of crap. Success may be the fruit of
consecutive good choices re-enforced by determination, but certainly not one choice.
Tonight's point is: I am feeling the consequence of poor planning that is leading me away from any and all foreseeable success in the past few weeks.
In fact, it's worse than that. I see myself and those closely around me (at work) heading toward a big hole of failure.
I wan to jump off this train.
There, I said it.
I cannot stop the train. I don't know how to change the course without derailing.
Then which "luck" in its pure or in a metaphoric sense can I hope to obtain now? A pure luck will certainly come in handy. All of my experimental apparatus start working as of this week. But that's very unrealistic. Certainly it contradicts all what we know about "success." "Success" is the result of good planning. See above.
Help from allies (colleagues)? Oh My. I have always been helped more than I have helped the others. Is it time to repeat? I am afraid so. But I need to propose my service in return. What am I good at? Now I am whining. Time to start planning. Start choosing. I just asked all essential questions in this present paragraph. I need to get help. Know which help and from whom. and know what I can offer in return. The answers are there (in my head) and are clear.
Yes, I can change the course, I can fix the train, I can hook my wagons to another locomotive.
With this being said, I can go back to sleeping peacefully. Blogger is my therapy and in the comfort of knowing that I am the only reader (apart from a few random passers-by) I can become my own listening ears and a therapist. Good night.
Tonight's point is: I am feeling the consequence of poor planning that is leading me away from any and all foreseeable success in the past few weeks.
In fact, it's worse than that. I see myself and those closely around me (at work) heading toward a big hole of failure.
I wan to jump off this train.
There, I said it.
I cannot stop the train. I don't know how to change the course without derailing.
Then which "luck" in its pure or in a metaphoric sense can I hope to obtain now? A pure luck will certainly come in handy. All of my experimental apparatus start working as of this week. But that's very unrealistic. Certainly it contradicts all what we know about "success." "Success" is the result of good planning. See above.
Help from allies (colleagues)? Oh My. I have always been helped more than I have helped the others. Is it time to repeat? I am afraid so. But I need to propose my service in return. What am I good at? Now I am whining. Time to start planning. Start choosing. I just asked all essential questions in this present paragraph. I need to get help. Know which help and from whom. and know what I can offer in return. The answers are there (in my head) and are clear.
Yes, I can change the course, I can fix the train, I can hook my wagons to another locomotive.
With this being said, I can go back to sleeping peacefully. Blogger is my therapy and in the comfort of knowing that I am the only reader (apart from a few random passers-by) I can become my own listening ears and a therapist. Good night.
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