If your strength is small, don't carry heavy burdens. If your words are worthless, don't give advice

Ummm...

I just accepted a task to write a chapter in a book on a subject that I don't really master. I wish I had opened this cookie before I said yes. Now I have a bad, bad, baaaaaaaD feeling about this.

Don't forget, you are always on our minds.

Enigmatic.

Whose mind? The first set of people I can think of is comprised of my immediate family members. My DH, DD^2. Then my parents.

Scary thing is, I seriously doubt that I am "always" on other people's mind. Certainly, that cannot be true. If I get in an accident, or die, I perhaps pop-up on my friends' and some of my colleagues' mind frequently for a limited period of time. But always? And interpreted more figuratively, very often, or everyday?? There cannot be too many people out there who gives two shingles about me. I believe this because honestly speaking there are only 3 people who are always on my mind and at all times. Then there are one or two more at less frequency.

But the dear cookie is not talking about who and how many people are on my mind. The main message is the first part of the sentence "Don't forget". I will never forget those who are always on my mind. But I suppose I could forget that I am on their mind, too. What do these three most important people want from me? Easy, I can just reverse question. What do I want and hope them to be?

I want my kids to be self-confident, feel accomplished and accomplish, perform well at school, have friends, be kind to those around them.... have happy, loving lives. I wish my DH be more relaxed, less anxious, better rested, laugh more, be adventurous and exciting and of course, be happy with me and our kids. Expressed in such generalized terms, I want nothing extraordinary. Be happy, I'll be there for you and be there for me, basically. These must be what they wish for me. They don't want me to be a supermom or a superwife. Just happy and be there with them. All else is my selfish ambition and ego. Am I delivering? Hell no, far from it.

I am not self-confident. I think I am a very mediocre researcher. I feel lost at work and this sense of loss is holding me back from thinking clearly and getting my job done.

I do not feel accomplished and accomplishing less because of ... see immediately above. That's why I am looking for a new job. I am not performing well at work. I am quite judgmental, stressed, anxiety attacks me every night so I don't sleep well and thus perpetually tired, low sex-drive and dissatisfied with our lives. Wow, I am not at all what they want me to be.

Why is that so? And what am I to do to be what they wish for me to be?

I think I know the answer, but too complicated to put'em in words at 8am. After taking the shower and finishing other chores, perhaps.

You love Chinese food;

OK. It's settled for lunch tomorrow.

Was gonna go to China town anyway.... but how? how on earth could it/they/she/he know that?

Face Facts with Dignity

Which one?

There are a multiple number of facts that I avoid facing all together these days.

The fact that I am here right now is because I am sneaking up on facts from behind.

The fact that I am writing this blog is because I am ignoring the facts.. and my facts are my responsibilities.

Kids, work, family, my identity.

Agreed. I need to act with more dignity. Be a responsible adult and get things done.

But in what order?

I am lost. Overwhelmed. My brain does not function. Every task seems too complicated or intellectually beyond me since last year. I can feel walls closing in... pushing against all sides of my brain. My brain needs to breath. It needs more oxygen. I cannot think.

If I weren't so helplessly lost, I would be facing facts and taking care of them (dignified or not). I wouldn't be reading fortune cookies to enlighten me, channeling air into my poor brain. This is not enough. My brain needs to breath. My brain is in a box that's too small. Need to find a bigger box, or throw away what's not been used any longer. Make some space for new elements to enter. But how? Meditate? Yoga? Why not??

« Each moment of a happy lover's hour is worth an age of dull and common life »

People around me and myself keep telling me that I am going to meet someone. And this someone will change my and my family's lives.

I probably shouldn't disclose a dream confession of someone else. So let's stay vague.

According to 'someone', I will leave my family for another man, younger and arrogant American Asian man. A few hours later this someone had his/her dream, across the Atlantic ocean, I had a dream that I was about to meet an American Asian (man) in a bar or a restaurant or some other public place, presumably in New York, because that's where I am right now. A day later, my fortune cookie says « Each moment of a happy lover's hour is worth an age of dull and common life ».

Problem?? yes there is. I don't want to meet someone. I am quite happy with my husband. Sometimes I think I may still be in love with this guy, my husband.

Still.... curious to meet someone. Hey I will be gone from this country in less than a week anyway. I can just look at the person who could change my life but he won't. Can fortune cookie live up to its prediction?

May life throw you a pleasant curve

I ... think .... I used up my pleasant surprise(s) today.

A friendly immigrations officer and two helpful rental car agents.

Pleasant servers and polite drivers.

I breath better when I am back here in the tri-state area.

Now I am still owed a lost object turning up, though.

There's something I need to find = my SS card.

I want this pleasant curve to be a job offer in the Bay Area that we (I) covet so badly.

jet lagged .... and must sleep.

A pleasant surprise is in store for you

It's only getting better. It's my birthday this Satrurday.
Nobody in my family has mentioned it approaching.

This week, I've only got 'positive' sounding cookies.

They should give out negative ones once in a while if they want people to continue using their application. It's losing my faith very quickly now.